Forgiveness.

Guilt. The great paralyzer, equalizer, crippler of faith, love, peace, and self-confidence.

Guilt over falling down the stairs in public.
Guilt over hurting people close to you, making them cry.
Guilt over never ever being good enough - for yourself.
Guilt over love felt too much, love felt not enough, over love in general and in particular.

Paralyzed, cannot breathe, this snake of guilt coiled around me, within me, hurting me, breaking me. Bone by bone. From inside and out.

Freedom.
How to be free, how to walk away, how to feel the quiet/content/warm/happy buzz?
How to be like "everyone else" and live for the moment, rather than in the past?
Tell me, talk to me, console me, forgive me.

And then I might walk away. Forgiven, at peace. But still alone.

Flight.

Cramped. Aching. Bored.
Limping limbs, limping brain. Facebook/whatsapp who's online what's a good game to while the time away?
Days spent waiting, 9-6. Marking time, wasting life.

Maybe the sun shines outside. Maybe rain pours down. Birds cry/vehicles screech/the road rumbles.
Trapped.

Emails, skype, Boredboredbored. Terminal velocity of zero.
Nothing seems to change, nothing happens, nothing challenges, nothing motivates.
Nothing, nothing, nothing.

No hope, no reprieve, no surrender allowed.

Of fear, faith and forgiveness.

A long time ago, in a land far, far away, I was an avid blogger, updater-of-personal website, internet mediator, social butterfly cum nerd, and a lot of other things.

Then, life happened.

So, here I am, sitting at my blog, wondering how to begin. Where to begin. Do you begin where you left off? Do you begin where you began a long time ago? Beginnings are truly tricky and fearsome things to navigate through.

Ah, but fear and faith are good places to start. Yesterday, I had the universe conspire for, rather than against, me for once. The whole office was asked to attend a leadership seminar by Poet David Whyte. It was one of those things that we all expected to suffer (or sleep!!!) through, just for the sake of being seen as present by the boss. But strangely enough, it was more than that for me.

I don't want to go through every single thing he said, but I must truly stress that David Whyte inspired me!!! I have been in such a bad mental space for a while, wanting to move on, wishing I could move back. But David Whyte spoke of fear, of faith, of transcendence. Of not waiting another day to move a step forward. His speech resonated within me for so many reasons, starting from his former career as a Marine Biologist at the Galapagos Islands (where I always wanted to visit Lonesome George!) and moving through his stages of life, the tribulations he went through, and ending with a poem he wrote to after visiting Kathmandu (which is another place I have been fascinated about).

I left the session in a daze, not sure where to go or what to do. But the main concept that Whyte enlightened me upon was the fact that we never leave fear behind! I, at least keep waiting till I feel a little better,  or until something changes, someone makes a move. I stay paralyzed by my fear, and keep wishing for the day when the fear gets less and I will be able to accomplish something. BUT!!! That day will never come. And as Whyte said, without that fear, we would not have as much to share with our fellow beings. It is the fear, and moving forward with this crippling burden, that would make us special.

This brings me to faith. I did one of those stupid games on fb yesterday, which defined my "spiritual power" as Faith. This is strangely enough something which my husband always praised me on, my deep faith that things will turn right in the end.

You are able to see things that most people can't see. It's almost like you can peek into the future. You're have the mind of a great visionary. You are ambitious and you firmly believe in your goals, and you will reach them because you are the type of person who can.

For the past so many years though, I have not felt like this person. I doubt myself, I cannot trust others, I cannot see where I am, let alone which way I should turn. I have not lived for many years - I have simply functioned, survived. 

Now, I feel like I am ready to waken, to find out who I am once more, to regain the blithe sense of self and courage that I had during my younger years. The simple courage of baring one's soul on paper or the internet, the need to stop lying to myself and to confront my fears rather than simply running away. Maybe now is the time to stop running, to stop hiding, and to confront who I am, and to love me, rather than who others think I may or could be. 

Most of all, I think, it's about forgiveness. In living, we make many mistakes, great or small. I forgive my loved ones, even strangers, but I rarely forgive myself. Maybe this is the time to start letting go of the pain, to make my mistakes my own, and to step forward carrying my fears, building my faith in myself, and finding forgiveness within  me for all my faults. 

Down-sizing...

Ok, I'm a real bad blogger. I've been trying to be a regular poster, but haven't managed it as yet :|

Two months after my first post, and I have gone down from eleven members of my little family to nine. Penny the injured puppy went to her forever home, and one of the kittens didn't make it :( So that makes it Tara the motherly dog, Kenzo aka the Jester puppy, Puddy-Tat my big cat, Manjusri mama-tat, and her babies Pheonix, Ginger and Peaches-n-Cream. Oh, and hubby and I make 9 :)

We really need to find homes for Manju and Ginger, but I LOVE having them around!

New beginnings...

Just want to share the tale of three goggies - Tara and Kenzo, along with their guest Penny - and six (yes six!!!) tats - Sooty a.k.a. Puddy Tat and Lady Manju, who has four as yet unnamed babies.

Tara is the apple of her daddy's eye, or rather the lime in his polsambol, while Sooty is the salt in the lunumiris for his mum. The eleven of us (errr just did the headcount - eeeek!!) go through so many funny trials and tribulations on a daily basis that I decided to be the official family Chronicler of Crazy Events :)